elliott smith

Love of my life. Light of my life. King of my heart.

If you were still living you would be 43 today. I love you and I think every day what it would be like if you were still alive. I wish I could’ve met you, I wish I could’ve seen you play. I wish I could’ve spoken to you even just one time.

I made this cake for Elliott’s birthday. Vegan Vanilla Cake Recipe here on vegweb. I made it sugar free by using stevia in the raw instead of sugar and I substituted half the oil for applesauce. Also I wanted it to be sugar free so my dad who is diabetic could have some. The frosting is sugar free too. I put seven candles, one for each of his albums, plus New Moon. Roman Candle, Elliott Smith, Either/Or, XO, Figure 8, From a Basement on the Hill, and New Moon.

Me and the cake. It was freaking delicious and everyone I shared it with enjoyed it. I don’t even think it would be better with real sugar. It was the perfect amount of sweetness. Plus I got to blow out the candles. Next time I will make a two layer one… or cupcakes.

“Christian Brothers” is my favourite Elliott song.

I first started listening to Elliott Smith around maybe 2005, just after I graduated high school. Back then, livejournal was a popular site people actually used to connect to each other (rather than the worthless low-budget version of tumblr that it has become). I was a member of a lot of communities back then, and I followed mostly eating disorder (or disordered eating… whatever) communities because it was something I was struggling with at the time. Most of these communities were people sharing their pain and stories.

One day someone in one of the communities I followed posted a fan-made compilation (fan mix) of songs that they felt were related to the community – songs about eating disorders or generally feeling shitty about yourself or your body. I, always eager to hear new music, downloaded it immediately.

I don’t remember all of what was in the mix because I unfortunately don’t have it anymore… I really wish I could go back and re-visit then, because there’s a lot from that time that I’ve forgotten. “Someone I Once Knew” by Dead Celebrity Status and “So Damn Beautiful” from the Nip/Tuck soundtrack were definitely on it. I became a huge fan of Dead Celebrity Status after that too. I still love them to this day, I wish they would release a new album, but I digress.

Elliott’s song “Waltz #2″ was on it as well. At the time I was only vaguely aware of Elliott… That song was instantly my favourite track on the whole mix. From the first sound of the drums at the beginning, I was in love with that song. I don’t remember a lot from that time period, but I still remember hearing those drums for the first time and then hearing his voice and the lyrics and thinking “holy shit, who is this”. It was like he was singing directly to me, or about me, or something. I loved it and I got “XO” not long after that. I don’t remember exactly when, but I eventually got all the rest of his albums too. Over the years I fell more and more in love with his music. When I saw this video of him singing “Waltz #2″, I fell in love with him as a person, for real. I didn’t expect him to be such a great performer, but he was really amazing.

Since then I think the universe always sends me his music when I need it the most, just like that first time I heard his music when I was in total darkness. If angels are real, I think he is one now.

Dear Elliott,

When I was couldn’t stand to look at myself in a mirror, you were there…

When I was poorer than anything and lived in a mold-infested apartment with no working water, oven, heat, shower, or washing machine, you were there, Elliott…

When I got thrown out of my ex-boyfriend’s house you were there…

When I lived in a travelodge after that happened you were there…

When I wake up alone in my apartment every day you are there…

When certain events in my life that were so bad I can’t talk about them happened, you were there…

As I pursue my music career now, your music gives me courage every day…

I only know the true extent of what love feels like because of your music.

See you in heaven…

XO

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